When I look back on these years, I pray that the right decisions were made for the life that was given to me.
There’s some security in crashing and burning. For those that don’t know me - know me, If I’m going out, I go out with a bang. It’s the only opportunity I have for closure and it’s what will comfort me in the years to come. Knowing that I tried my best and failed is actually quite gratifying. It’s sad to see those that don’t begin something out of fear of failing because they have already done so. If there was a message in this, it’s to love/lose as hard as YOU know how. You can call me crazy, but I wouldn’t be in this business if I wasn’t so…I’ll take crazy.
I could talk about how I’ve been or what I’ve been doing since graduation but I’d rather show you.
“This is not the sound of a new man…or crispy realization. It’s the sound of the unlocking lift away.” -Bon Iver. I was asked the other day if it’s possible for someone to change. Even though we’ve all probably asked ourselves this question at least once before, I put more thought into it this time. Is it possible? I think as we grow older it becomes less likely for “change” to happen. Realistically, how does one change something that they’ve grown so accustomed to for 23 years or more? It is the environment you’ve grown around…your family, friends and even those who’ve hurt you. It is what has made you who you are…the good with the bad. This is not to say that it’s impossible to change or that one couldn’t at least recognize that it’s needed because I’ll tell myself every once in awhile that I should better myself. It might last a week or so but then I’d go right back to being me…at times selfish, stubborn, & inconsiderate. Those characteristics don’t completely represent who I am though. Which led me to another conclusion. Acceptance. Not to be confused with settling…Settling feels like defeat against what you’ve wanted and dreamed of your whole life. Acceptance is about love. Once a person comes to understand that, I think that’s when you have something special. Accepting someone for who they are is a beautiful thing and gives a better understanding of the people around us. Not everyone is the same and though it’s easy to say that, reacting to that truth can be something completely opposite of what it stands for. That’s why patience is a virtue and even more so, understanding.
Just recently, I began listening to older CDs and even cassettes that I have lying around here at home and it got me thinking…probably more than I should. Other than the occasional status updates done here on Facebook or Twitter, I haven’t written much online. The last time was in October of 2006 on Xanga (Yes, I still have mine open and more than likely I’ll keep it just for laughs). I think it’s safe to say that I’ve learned more about life in these past 5 years than in my entire 23 years of living…love, friendships, death, hate, responsibility, and life. I find it so fascinating. I feel very new to much of what goes on around me and I think mostly it’s because the majority of my life was never questioned on why things would happen. I was taught at a young age that sometimes, things just happen because it does and without reasoning, I would just move on. I don’t blame anyone for that at all…I think that’s apart of growing up. In a way, this has actually helped me move forward to accomplish what I have and will in the future. I would take on a task and without asking how I am to finish the task; I would just go for it. I tried to not look at where I start or where I would end because doing either would probably send me into depression. There was a certain confidence in that younger me, that I could do anything, and though I haven’t completely lost that mentality, fear of how or what would happen getting there has begun to take its grasp on me. I could tell you that I’m fine with the fear and that it only fuels my desire to accomplish these goals but honestly, it’s something that I haven’t become comfortable with. I have never had to deal with fear like this before and because of that, it scares me a little. Sometimes things happen so fast that you wonder how you got there in the first place, and I think that’s where I’m at now. This summer has been amazing in accomplishing what I’ve always wanted to do. To write your own songs and have the opportunity to play them in front of others is just ridiculous! Without a doubt, the encouragement has been humbling so thank you for supporting what I would like to call more than just a hobby. I will always remember the first time I showed the scratch tracks to my sister and a week later, overhearing her sing along to it on her ipod.This feeling won’t last forever, so I think I’ll enjoy it while it does.Page 6. I’m hoping this new approach to figuring life out doesn’t completely destroy who I was 5 years ago because, though he was somewhat of a wise-guy, he still had a lot of heart. I’m not down and out…I will finish what I start and I’m excited to see where this goes.
